sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
ok, i just want to know who did it and which end it came out of
just woke up with a thong on my face, dont remember going home with anyone and its way too big for it to be a good thing
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
what are we doing this weekend?
I have enough booze to get us through Armageddon...which basically means that on Sunday we will have to make a trip to the liquor store.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
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