Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
Randomize
