be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
