I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
wanna go halves on a baby?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
