During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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