My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
