What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
can we do this tomorrow? ...i accidently got high.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
