I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Randomize
