is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
