So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
