i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
