I cockslap morals
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
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