the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
