the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Do you remember what happened last night? All I could find we're phone numbers of strip clubs in Detroit. Did we go to Detroit?
Randomize
