I'm jealous of your bromance
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Randomize
