I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Profesor just winked at me. This class might be easier than I thought
Randomize
