Did yall have sex?
Well we both woke up naked and there was a condom wrapper on the floor, but I don't remember so does that count?
Def not... that's how I managed to keep my number under 10 for all of college- If you don't remember, it didn't happen
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
