Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I WALKED myself out of breath. And I'm lost I'm a Tim Hortons parking lot. That's how hungover I am.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Randomize
