NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
YOUR TO-DO SEX LIST CANNOT CONSIST ENTIRELY OF MY THREE BEST FRIENDS
and their significant others
AND THEIR SIGNIFICANT OTHERS
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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