I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
new low, shannon just screamed FUCK THE IRISH to a 10 year old's face then proceeded to throw a hotdog at his parents. I think its time i take her home.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
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