do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
She came so hard that after she finished, she started a slow clap and then told me she pulled a muscle.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize