I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
Randomize
