I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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