There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
Randomize
