just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
Randomize
