I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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