I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Randomize