Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
My penis needs a shock collar
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Randomize
