fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
Randomize
