Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Plus apparently whenever one of her friends loses their virginity they get a party with a funfetti cake which I found funny
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
