Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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