I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
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