Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
