Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
whose parrot is this?
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize