Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
