she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
i drank out of a bidet.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
