Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
