Sponge bath it is.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
