My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
at a bonfire and someone threw a plastic cup in the fire. everyone immediately stopped what they were doing to yell collectively at him about what he was doing to the environment, then went back to drinking
only in oregon
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
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