I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
her eyes looked like someone had poured fruit punch in them. needless to say we had a good time.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
