My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Ran into my FWB on my walk of shame and went back to her place. Even my walk of shames are awesome!!!
Randomize
