Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
