tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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