Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
Randomize
