every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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