I'm pants shitting drunk right now
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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