I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
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