so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
You're like the curious george of whores
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
