he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
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