I'm pants shitting drunk right now
she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
I think im going to throw up on grandma
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I was gonna respond but i couldnt figure out a way to rearrange 'fuck his brains out' to sound grammatically correct
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
