i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
Randomize
