When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Randomize
