she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
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