I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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