remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
Semen is not good for contacts.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
