i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
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