Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
if it doesnt flame it aint got game is a bad drinking motto eyebrow-wise.
eyebrows regrow, your balls dont
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
