Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Randomize
