Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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