I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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