You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Randomize
