Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
Randomize
