almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
