Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
