I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize