You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Well he walked in last night, yelled at me for not playing any music and started dancing.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
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