textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
Randomize
