i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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