made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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