So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
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