just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
