He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I got a gay guy to motorboat me. These tits could change the world, I'm telling you.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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