I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
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