nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.
dude how high are you right now?
do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
